Today is St Patricks Day, the patron saint of Ireland and so, being half Irish meself, I have compiled some of my best Irish jokes for you. I was posting them on my twitter page but trying to fit them into 140 characters got tedious so here are a few more:
“3 men board a plane. They are Italian, Spanish, and Irish. They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle. They fly to Spain, and drop a bottle. They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb. They back to Italy and they see a little boy crying. “Little boy why are you crying” they ask. “Because my daddy got hit in the head with a beer bottle” They fly to Spain and they see a little girl crying. “Little girl why are you crying” they ask. “Because my mommy got hit in the head with a beer bottle”. They fly to Ireland and see a little boy laughing hysterically. “Little boy why are you laughing” they ask. “Because my daddy farted and blew up the house”
“An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.” Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!” Murphy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”
…And my personal Fave:
Two leprochans have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Suprior answers the door, and says “Oh my goodness! Its a leprochan!”
The firt Leprochan replies, “Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a qustion. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?”
“No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size.”
“Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?”
“No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size.”
“Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?”
“No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!”
“Okay then.” The second leprochan starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say “You see, i told you fucked a penguin!”
If you have any Irish jokes feel free to post them here! I am sure all the Irish readers are all long gone down the pub but have yourselves a Tip-Top Paddys Day wherever you are celebrating it. Make the most of the festivities and alcohol because for all the Catholics amongst you, its back to sobriety and there are still 18 days left til the end of Lent!
Top o’ the Morning to y’all!
Rebekah.x